just want to type right now.
when i try to complain, all i can do is stop and be reminded by the holy spirit that it is worthless. worthless. seriously.
i love the verses in the bible that says...a sheep knows the voice of their shephard. who is our shepard? is it Jesus. when we "ask" Jesus into your life, do you know his voice?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
the first laura in my life...
is going to Turkey this friday. Today the US Embassey there (in Istanbul)---spelling, sorry, was attacked by terrorists. much prayer that God's will for the trip be accomplished with mighty glory and fame. les
Saturday, June 21, 2008
crazyness
I just have to say this or write this I guess------------"what in the world? I'm engaged" that is ridonculous!!!!!!!!!
boggled brain
Wow, how I've been self-absorbed recently. And recently, I mean over the past like 2 years but increasing big time over the last 9 months. I mean, I used to be pretty good at being thoughtful with people, but I feel like I have had something going on in my life from very very small things to big things and I haven't been able to get done with any of them. Wow, now I've become really self-absorbed over the past week. Man has my life changed. and for the good no doubt, you would have thought I would have blogged about this before now, but there has seriously been no time whatsoever. My cat is really cute right now as he is completely curled into a ball with his head almost not visible!! I feel like I need to sit down for a week straight and think of no one but the LORD, to breath Him in and breath Him out. This is how I feel right now (here I go being self-absorbed again), my brain= a cup full of strawberries inside a blender turned on pureed. That wasn't the best analogy but anyway. I feel scatter-brained for sure and that is really nothing new for me it is just worse than usual.
marriage= an abandoning of past lives and a birth of a new life. how fun is that? I believe I've decided that I don't want to be one of those wives that talk about their in-laws. After talking with JJ, we have decided that our parents are very different and we come from a different way of living. For example his parents=always together. always discussing family things whether that be the past, present or future of current family. my parents=not always together, and when they are, they are not really together. dad always having a more world perspective on things. mom always knowing what is going on with everyone else and not so much talking about what's going on with her or the fam.. so here JJ and I go, trying to filter through that and make a marriage of our own, knowing that neither of our families are perfect by any stretch of the means and learning how to love them for just who they are. Interesting and good lesson to be learned in the beginning of the engagement.
so I keep asking him what a wedding is for anyway. what is the purpose, because it seems to cause more conflict than happiness, at least in the planning of it as I have found out in a week. Basically, we know it is to have the people we love there to witness and agree with us that our marriage is a combining of our lives together. and as a christian, that those who love us will help hold us accountable, pray for us and hope for the best out of our being joined together. and that in all of this it will be to the glory of our savior. so far, i've had to ask God several times to forgive me for the way I''m being selfish and self-absorbed about the whole thing and by clearly NOT glorifying the Him in it all. so that's been an interesting and good lesson so far too.
so i was listening to DP talk about marriage, ephesians 5 to be specific. which was cool that that was some of the Bible JJ had for us to read the night he asked me to marry him. some thoughts to remind myself of in the line of marriage--don't be demanding or commanding. who is the commander? do I tell God what to do? Am I critical of him, maybe sometimes out of frustration and anger, but I always humbly come back to Him and remember the love he has so graciously applied to me.
i am dependant on Christ. the hope of Christ, the foundation of Christ. Edifice---a large building or monument---one of the only words I remember learning in 11th grade english. To edify---to build up really big. Scaffolding---a word I learned in college as it associates with speech therapy, means taking a step by stey approach to learning strategies. why would I want to take apart or break down something that has been so carefully put together? I want to better edify Josh. I want to NOT be critical of him, but infuse him with energy, hope and strength to be my leader. He is asking me to be his wife. So in that, he is asking for the responsibility to lead me. I am there to help him and love him and most importantly respect him in all that he does. I have certainly learned by observation the way I don't want to treat my husband, but sometimes observing is not enough, sometimes it comes through learning hard lessons and tearing something down just to know how hard it is to build it back up again. As much as I think I know how to be a good wife, there is so much I don't know. What in the world. How can I be given this huge responsibility to be a wife? I in no way deserve this as it is hard for me to handle my own self at times. But then, just as I think that, I am so softly reminded that in those moments I have to not do it on my own but allow Jesus to help me.
I'm totally excited that I now know what psalm 84 is referring to!! After doing "Stepping Up", by none other that Beth, I now know that that psalm is a psalm of ascent. This is a psalm that the pilgrims who were coming from afar to Jerusalem sang on one of the three (i think) pilgrimages that they were to make a year! How precious it is to think what they are singing about. I mean, they are talking about the actual courts that housed the Holy of Holies, our God. He lived there!! I think I'd be singing praise too. I guess they would rather be a guard at the door of the temple than be with the wicked.
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young---a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almghty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you
once again, sparadic thoughts by leslie
marriage= an abandoning of past lives and a birth of a new life. how fun is that? I believe I've decided that I don't want to be one of those wives that talk about their in-laws. After talking with JJ, we have decided that our parents are very different and we come from a different way of living. For example his parents=always together. always discussing family things whether that be the past, present or future of current family. my parents=not always together, and when they are, they are not really together. dad always having a more world perspective on things. mom always knowing what is going on with everyone else and not so much talking about what's going on with her or the fam.. so here JJ and I go, trying to filter through that and make a marriage of our own, knowing that neither of our families are perfect by any stretch of the means and learning how to love them for just who they are. Interesting and good lesson to be learned in the beginning of the engagement.
so I keep asking him what a wedding is for anyway. what is the purpose, because it seems to cause more conflict than happiness, at least in the planning of it as I have found out in a week. Basically, we know it is to have the people we love there to witness and agree with us that our marriage is a combining of our lives together. and as a christian, that those who love us will help hold us accountable, pray for us and hope for the best out of our being joined together. and that in all of this it will be to the glory of our savior. so far, i've had to ask God several times to forgive me for the way I''m being selfish and self-absorbed about the whole thing and by clearly NOT glorifying the Him in it all. so that's been an interesting and good lesson so far too.
so i was listening to DP talk about marriage, ephesians 5 to be specific. which was cool that that was some of the Bible JJ had for us to read the night he asked me to marry him. some thoughts to remind myself of in the line of marriage--don't be demanding or commanding. who is the commander? do I tell God what to do? Am I critical of him, maybe sometimes out of frustration and anger, but I always humbly come back to Him and remember the love he has so graciously applied to me.
i am dependant on Christ. the hope of Christ, the foundation of Christ. Edifice---a large building or monument---one of the only words I remember learning in 11th grade english. To edify---to build up really big. Scaffolding---a word I learned in college as it associates with speech therapy, means taking a step by stey approach to learning strategies. why would I want to take apart or break down something that has been so carefully put together? I want to better edify Josh. I want to NOT be critical of him, but infuse him with energy, hope and strength to be my leader. He is asking me to be his wife. So in that, he is asking for the responsibility to lead me. I am there to help him and love him and most importantly respect him in all that he does. I have certainly learned by observation the way I don't want to treat my husband, but sometimes observing is not enough, sometimes it comes through learning hard lessons and tearing something down just to know how hard it is to build it back up again. As much as I think I know how to be a good wife, there is so much I don't know. What in the world. How can I be given this huge responsibility to be a wife? I in no way deserve this as it is hard for me to handle my own self at times. But then, just as I think that, I am so softly reminded that in those moments I have to not do it on my own but allow Jesus to help me.
I'm totally excited that I now know what psalm 84 is referring to!! After doing "Stepping Up", by none other that Beth, I now know that that psalm is a psalm of ascent. This is a psalm that the pilgrims who were coming from afar to Jerusalem sang on one of the three (i think) pilgrimages that they were to make a year! How precious it is to think what they are singing about. I mean, they are talking about the actual courts that housed the Holy of Holies, our God. He lived there!! I think I'd be singing praise too. I guess they would rather be a guard at the door of the temple than be with the wicked.
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young---a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almghty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you
once again, sparadic thoughts by leslie
Monday, May 19, 2008
I just love to talk about love...
Don't we all just want to be loved? Love, seriously is it. My mom made me very sad yesterday. I blurted out at her as I selfishly said "you never know about anything going on in my life here because you never really ask". I so wish she understood. I thought about it a long while, after talking it over with sister. And came to the conclusion that I don't know how she feels at all. I know she is not trying to be ugly---she just wants to be loved too. She wants to be understood, needed, comforted and so many other things that fall under the banner of love. She probably wishes I understood her too. She probably thinks, I never REALLY ask her what's going on either.
I have a precious friend that I know a very dear secret about. The same thing can be applied. My heart breaks for her and all I know to do is pray.
This particular day in my life, many of my friends have seemed to suddenly "have someone". At least momentarily. Momentarily I mean, maybe months, maybe years, maybe a lifetime. Lifetime, I can't seem to get over the fact that we are given each day as a gift. So easily said, I know, but so true. Our lives are not long at all, at all I say. They are quite short it seems and it seems we need to get up, get out there and do something for goodness sake. (this is where i chase a healthy rabbit). Yes, but what about someone loving me? That is so precious and so dear. What is life without that? Pretty much horse poop. I know my Father in heaven loves me so much but yet at the same time---there are points in life (which can seem never ending) that you need a physical person to tell you that. To grab you, hold you tight and say "you are beautiful, I love you absolutely just the way you are with every single mistake and problem in your life and even though you don't act the same to me, I love YOU and only you". Ahhhh, how nice. Yes, it is true, but nonetheless, life doesn't necessarily happen that way.
We are all entrusted by God with blessings, and with sorrows. We tend to think blessings are the only thing that need to be shared, but why do we neglect to share our sorrows? I don't think our frames are meant to withstand the full load of sorrows. As we carry our sorrows, we need to know that someone else is helping lighten the load through prayers, thoughts, and sincere concern. That is love, right? We get to share in the good and the bad times. We get to know the bad and good. I truly hope that I can be a friend that can share in both the joys and the sad times with my friends. I also hope that I can be the friend who can share my joys and my sad times with my friends. I'm not always great at it. So, here it goes, next time we talk on the phone or see each other, lets be good at not skimming the surface of the light love, but get deep. From my perspective, you need to keep me accountable because I am a sinner to the maximum. Seriously, ask me some hard questions. and I'm going to try to ask you some hard questions too, if you are open to it(and that you must be). Life is not meant for us to live in a well of guilt and shame with no light at the surface but rather a life of freedom outside of the cold stone walls, outside where someone could hear our cry for help and see that we are about to fall in.
I have a precious friend that I know a very dear secret about. The same thing can be applied. My heart breaks for her and all I know to do is pray.
This particular day in my life, many of my friends have seemed to suddenly "have someone". At least momentarily. Momentarily I mean, maybe months, maybe years, maybe a lifetime. Lifetime, I can't seem to get over the fact that we are given each day as a gift. So easily said, I know, but so true. Our lives are not long at all, at all I say. They are quite short it seems and it seems we need to get up, get out there and do something for goodness sake. (this is where i chase a healthy rabbit). Yes, but what about someone loving me? That is so precious and so dear. What is life without that? Pretty much horse poop. I know my Father in heaven loves me so much but yet at the same time---there are points in life (which can seem never ending) that you need a physical person to tell you that. To grab you, hold you tight and say "you are beautiful, I love you absolutely just the way you are with every single mistake and problem in your life and even though you don't act the same to me, I love YOU and only you". Ahhhh, how nice. Yes, it is true, but nonetheless, life doesn't necessarily happen that way.
We are all entrusted by God with blessings, and with sorrows. We tend to think blessings are the only thing that need to be shared, but why do we neglect to share our sorrows? I don't think our frames are meant to withstand the full load of sorrows. As we carry our sorrows, we need to know that someone else is helping lighten the load through prayers, thoughts, and sincere concern. That is love, right? We get to share in the good and the bad times. We get to know the bad and good. I truly hope that I can be a friend that can share in both the joys and the sad times with my friends. I also hope that I can be the friend who can share my joys and my sad times with my friends. I'm not always great at it. So, here it goes, next time we talk on the phone or see each other, lets be good at not skimming the surface of the light love, but get deep. From my perspective, you need to keep me accountable because I am a sinner to the maximum. Seriously, ask me some hard questions. and I'm going to try to ask you some hard questions too, if you are open to it(and that you must be). Life is not meant for us to live in a well of guilt and shame with no light at the surface but rather a life of freedom outside of the cold stone walls, outside where someone could hear our cry for help and see that we are about to fall in.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
"I don't want to leave here. I don't want to stay. It feels like pinching to me either way. And the places I long for the most are the places where I've been. They are calling out to me like a long lost friend.
It's not about losing faith. It's not about trust. It's all about comfortable when you move so much. And the place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. And it wasn't milk or honey, but then neither is this.
I'm painting pictures of Egypt and leaving out what it lacks. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned and those roads were closed off to me , when my back was turned.
The past is so tangible. I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go. I am caught between the promise and the things I know.
If it comes to quick I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason behing all this time in the sand?
If it comes to quick I may not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time in the sand?"
sara puts it so much better than I
It's not about losing faith. It's not about trust. It's all about comfortable when you move so much. And the place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. And it wasn't milk or honey, but then neither is this.
I'm painting pictures of Egypt and leaving out what it lacks. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned and those roads were closed off to me , when my back was turned.
The past is so tangible. I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go. I am caught between the promise and the things I know.
If it comes to quick I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason behing all this time in the sand?
If it comes to quick I may not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time in the sand?"
sara puts it so much better than I
Thursday, April 17, 2008
...
i just want to say something. and i find myself , yet again unable to pull the words together or unable to be really real, even in my own little blog.
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