the first laura in my life...

is going to Turkey this friday. Today the US Embassey there (in Istanbul)---spelling, sorry, was attacked by terrorists. much prayer that God's will for the trip be accomplished with mighty glory and fame. les

crazyness

I just have to say this or write this I guess------------"what in the world? I'm engaged" that is ridonculous!!!!!!!!!

boggled brain

Wow, how I've been self-absorbed recently. And recently, I mean over the past like 2 years but increasing big time over the last 9 months. I mean, I used to be pretty good at being thoughtful with people, but I feel like I have had something going on in my life from very very small things to big things and I haven't been able to get done with any of them. Wow, now I've become really self-absorbed over the past week. Man has my life changed. and for the good no doubt, you would have thought I would have blogged about this before now, but there has seriously been no time whatsoever. My cat is really cute right now as he is completely curled into a ball with his head almost not visible!! I feel like I need to sit down for a week straight and think of no one but the LORD, to breath Him in and breath Him out. This is how I feel right now (here I go being self-absorbed again), my brain= a cup full of strawberries inside a blender turned on pureed. That wasn't the best analogy but anyway. I feel scatter-brained for sure and that is really nothing new for me it is just worse than usual.

marriage= an abandoning of past lives and a birth of a new life. how fun is that? I believe I've decided that I don't want to be one of those wives that talk about their in-laws. After talking with JJ, we have decided that our parents are very different and we come from a different way of living. For example his parents=always together. always discussing family things whether that be the past, present or future of current family. my parents=not always together, and when they are, they are not really together. dad always having a more world perspective on things. mom always knowing what is going on with everyone else and not so much talking about what's going on with her or the fam.. so here JJ and I go, trying to filter through that and make a marriage of our own, knowing that neither of our families are perfect by any stretch of the means and learning how to love them for just who they are. Interesting and good lesson to be learned in the beginning of the engagement.

so I keep asking him what a wedding is for anyway. what is the purpose, because it seems to cause more conflict than happiness, at least in the planning of it as I have found out in a week. Basically, we know it is to have the people we love there to witness and agree with us that our marriage is a combining of our lives together. and as a christian, that those who love us will help hold us accountable, pray for us and hope for the best out of our being joined together. and that in all of this it will be to the glory of our savior. so far, i've had to ask God several times to forgive me for the way I''m being selfish and self-absorbed about the whole thing and by clearly NOT glorifying the Him in it all. so that's been an interesting and good lesson so far too.

so i was listening to DP talk about marriage, ephesians 5 to be specific. which was cool that that was some of the Bible JJ had for us to read the night he asked me to marry him. some thoughts to remind myself of in the line of marriage--don't be demanding or commanding. who is the commander? do I tell God what to do? Am I critical of him, maybe sometimes out of frustration and anger, but I always humbly come back to Him and remember the love he has so graciously applied to me.

i am dependant on Christ. the hope of Christ, the foundation of Christ. Edifice---a large building or monument---one of the only words I remember learning in 11th grade english. To edify---to build up really big. Scaffolding---a word I learned in college as it associates with speech therapy, means taking a step by stey approach to learning strategies. why would I want to take apart or break down something that has been so carefully put together? I want to better edify Josh. I want to NOT be critical of him, but infuse him with energy, hope and strength to be my leader. He is asking me to be his wife. So in that, he is asking for the responsibility to lead me. I am there to help him and love him and most importantly respect him in all that he does. I have certainly learned by observation the way I don't want to treat my husband, but sometimes observing is not enough, sometimes it comes through learning hard lessons and tearing something down just to know how hard it is to build it back up again. As much as I think I know how to be a good wife, there is so much I don't know. What in the world. How can I be given this huge responsibility to be a wife? I in no way deserve this as it is hard for me to handle my own self at times. But then, just as I think that, I am so softly reminded that in those moments I have to not do it on my own but allow Jesus to help me.




I'm totally excited that I now know what psalm 84 is referring to!! After doing "Stepping Up", by none other that Beth, I now know that that psalm is a psalm of ascent. This is a psalm that the pilgrims who were coming from afar to Jerusalem sang on one of the three (i think) pilgrimages that they were to make a year! How precious it is to think what they are singing about. I mean, they are talking about the actual courts that housed the Holy of Holies, our God. He lived there!! I think I'd be singing praise too. I guess they would rather be a guard at the door of the temple than be with the wicked.

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young---a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almghty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you

once again, sparadic thoughts by leslie

I just love to talk about love...

Don't we all just want to be loved? Love, seriously is it. My mom made me very sad yesterday. I blurted out at her as I selfishly said "you never know about anything going on in my life here because you never really ask". I so wish she understood. I thought about it a long while, after talking it over with sister. And came to the conclusion that I don't know how she feels at all. I know she is not trying to be ugly---she just wants to be loved too. She wants to be understood, needed, comforted and so many other things that fall under the banner of love. She probably wishes I understood her too. She probably thinks, I never REALLY ask her what's going on either.

I have a precious friend that I know a very dear secret about. The same thing can be applied. My heart breaks for her and all I know to do is pray.

This particular day in my life, many of my friends have seemed to suddenly "have someone". At least momentarily. Momentarily I mean, maybe months, maybe years, maybe a lifetime. Lifetime, I can't seem to get over the fact that we are given each day as a gift. So easily said, I know, but so true. Our lives are not long at all, at all I say. They are quite short it seems and it seems we need to get up, get out there and do something for goodness sake. (this is where i chase a healthy rabbit). Yes, but what about someone loving me? That is so precious and so dear. What is life without that? Pretty much horse poop. I know my Father in heaven loves me so much but yet at the same time---there are points in life (which can seem never ending) that you need a physical person to tell you that. To grab you, hold you tight and say "you are beautiful, I love you absolutely just the way you are with every single mistake and problem in your life and even though you don't act the same to me, I love YOU and only you". Ahhhh, how nice. Yes, it is true, but nonetheless, life doesn't necessarily happen that way.

We are all entrusted by God with blessings, and with sorrows. We tend to think blessings are the only thing that need to be shared, but why do we neglect to share our sorrows? I don't think our frames are meant to withstand the full load of sorrows. As we carry our sorrows, we need to know that someone else is helping lighten the load through prayers, thoughts, and sincere concern. That is love, right? We get to share in the good and the bad times. We get to know the bad and good. I truly hope that I can be a friend that can share in both the joys and the sad times with my friends. I also hope that I can be the friend who can share my joys and my sad times with my friends. I'm not always great at it. So, here it goes, next time we talk on the phone or see each other, lets be good at not skimming the surface of the light love, but get deep. From my perspective, you need to keep me accountable because I am a sinner to the maximum. Seriously, ask me some hard questions. and I'm going to try to ask you some hard questions too, if you are open to it(and that you must be). Life is not meant for us to live in a well of guilt and shame with no light at the surface but rather a life of freedom outside of the cold stone walls, outside where someone could hear our cry for help and see that we are about to fall in.

"I don't want to leave here. I don't want to stay. It feels like pinching to me either way. And the places I long for the most are the places where I've been. They are calling out to me like a long lost friend.

It's not about losing faith. It's not about trust. It's all about comfortable when you move so much. And the place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. And it wasn't milk or honey, but then neither is this.

I'm painting pictures of Egypt and leaving out what it lacks. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned and those roads were closed off to me , when my back was turned.

The past is so tangible. I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go. I am caught between the promise and the things I know.

If it comes to quick I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason behing all this time in the sand?
If it comes to quick I may not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time in the sand?"


sara puts it so much better than I

...

i just want to say something. and i find myself , yet again unable to pull the words together or unable to be really real, even in my own little blog.

inspired thoughts from DP's sermon.

I like that my Bible titles this section as "Freedom to obey God". That sounds so free! Obeying seems like a word that should have more of a negative conatation (spl?) in our society, however it is in what we are obeying that makes it positive. It is not a command but a free gift. We have the freedom to obey God.

"Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you have obeyed with all your heart the new teaching God has given you. Now you are free from sin, your old master, and you have become slaves to your new master, righteousness...But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now ou do those things that lead to holiness and reult in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord."

Sin----I've been thinking about how little that word is used in our churches these days. Paul had no difficulty acknowledging our sinful nature, why should we as Christians. It is not condeming but rather a call to be responsible. To take responsiblity for the wrong things of this world. For the sins of this world.

hum...can sum up all my thoughts on this.

January and February can be very YUCK!

Really--these months are pityful!! However, as I'm writing this, I'm reminded that the past couple of days have been glorious. But I need to say this--It just seems everyone gets a little moodier (is that a word?), a little more sad and quite frankly, a little more paler (is that how to spell that?) this time of year. Is is the hype of Christmas, New Year's, and for this area, Mardi Gras? Or is the the lack of sun, the lack of vitamin D? All possible answers-not sure if they are right. Basically, I'm ready to go to the beach.

Ok--so I've noticed that people down here like to, in the words of LG, "Stain" each other. In translation, "stain" means saying the same thing over and over and over and over again, just in different words. Maybe I'm just not that detailed of a person in my words. I really just like to sum it up and not bore the other person. These people I've had lots of contact with down here are seriously the ultimate non-summer uppers. I feel real bad sometimes when I'm nodding my head and am totally NOT paying attention. Do they know I've checked out 5 minutes ago? Who knows, and I doubt they care, I think it is the culture down here.

Speaking of culture down here. There is a totally different culture in the heart of NO. One that I'm still learning slowly about. But here on the Northshore, I'm learning alot. They are so different from the people I grew up around. I remember going to an Auburn/LSU game and sitting amongst the LSU'ers. My summation that day after the game was over was that people from LA were drunks, bleach blonde haired women that wear too much make-up and jewerly and are highly concerned with themselves. That's pretty mean, but I think that was my quick judgement of them after that. Never in a million did I think I'd be living with them 10 years down the road. Ha Ha. I do actually see alot of those types of people around here, but certainly not all. I think what I've noticed most about this area is the lack of depth in people's lives. There is a sad sense I get, especially on sundays. The lack of people that actually attend church here depresses me. Sunday is just another saturday. There is a lack of old cute couples in this area, young single people like me, and big loud trucks. And hills, lets not forget that. This is not my home at all. I feel very different from these people. But I love them. Today, I thought about one of my moms that I see twice a week. She is the most depressed person with her life. I honestly don't know how she goes on from day to day. She does not know Jesus. She grew up Catholic, but if she ever knew him, it doesn't seem like it was ever on a personal level. I want to just hug her and let her come live with me and tell her that there is something so much more outside of this 30 mile radius she has been living in her whole life. She wasn't fortunate enough to grow up in community saturated by the fear of God. Rather, she was saturated with the taste of alcohol of her neighbors lips, with the idea that in order to be someone you had to attend the best catholic school, with the vision of homeless people everywhere and the hate for people that were not the same color, ethnicity or religion (or lack thereof). Hum...I let her borrow my copy of redeeming love. She gave it back without reading it. I want her to know her redeemer. "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.". Her existence is like so many people in this world. rich or poor, famous or unknown, black or white, big or small. No matter where, who or what you are, they are everywhere. They are walking around in the dark with no guidance. Well, there is guidance there, but they are so consumed by the thing or problem right in front of them that they don't have the knowledge to look over it or around it and look ahead. Look for that light that is the always there right in front of them. Those hurting people, I want to make them feel better. Wow, I know our Lord aches over there pain. He didn't have to touch the leper when he could have just spoke the words to heal, he didn't have to hang on the cross when he could have spoke the sins of the world to be forgiven, he didn't have to relate to us, but he did. I have to relate with these people because Jesus lives in me. And thats what he would do. This isn't my home. But I'm here.

more journal than blog...

I find myself with a constant distrust of people. I'm not sure how I became so untrusting, but it is evident in how I approach any kind of relationship. I have been learning for a long time that my lifeline is solely in the blood of Christ for which he sacraficed for me. I find myself impatient with people and trying to somehow fix their problems, rather than allowing God to fix their problems. I'm disheartened by the lack of love my family has for one another. They love, certainly, but we don't grasp true "Jesus" love. The kind of love that turns the other cheek, yet holds one another accountable. The unfailing love. We fail completely at it. I am so easily influenced by others and I have to fight every day to lead a life for an audience of ONE. I find myself being a people pleaser, rather than someone who lives a bold, faithful life sharing the hope of Christ.

I get so disgusted when I turn the tv on and it seems that more and more people are always trying to find "peace" and "centered-ness". Don't they understand where such comes from? Do they really think they have a novel idea. It is timeless. It is the teachings of my Saviour. However no credit is given. Only self-centeredness. Ughhh---I want to vomit. Yet I struggle in standing in the gap for these people who are wandering around in search for 'something' while yet avoiding the ONE who could redeem them. The ONE who has already redeemed them! Oh, I pray for my uncles, aunts and cousins, my grandparents, parents and siblings.

LORD---I love you. I do not show it much. Strengthen me to do so. Let me listen to your quiet voice. Let me know when it is you speaking. Let me abide in your will. Help me flee temptation and forgive me for my sins today. In your precious and holy name, Amen.