Saturday, June 21, 2008
crazyness
I just have to say this or write this I guess------------"what in the world? I'm engaged" that is ridonculous!!!!!!!!!
boggled brain
Wow, how I've been self-absorbed recently. And recently, I mean over the past like 2 years but increasing big time over the last 9 months. I mean, I used to be pretty good at being thoughtful with people, but I feel like I have had something going on in my life from very very small things to big things and I haven't been able to get done with any of them. Wow, now I've become really self-absorbed over the past week. Man has my life changed. and for the good no doubt, you would have thought I would have blogged about this before now, but there has seriously been no time whatsoever. My cat is really cute right now as he is completely curled into a ball with his head almost not visible!! I feel like I need to sit down for a week straight and think of no one but the LORD, to breath Him in and breath Him out. This is how I feel right now (here I go being self-absorbed again), my brain= a cup full of strawberries inside a blender turned on pureed. That wasn't the best analogy but anyway. I feel scatter-brained for sure and that is really nothing new for me it is just worse than usual.
marriage= an abandoning of past lives and a birth of a new life. how fun is that? I believe I've decided that I don't want to be one of those wives that talk about their in-laws. After talking with JJ, we have decided that our parents are very different and we come from a different way of living. For example his parents=always together. always discussing family things whether that be the past, present or future of current family. my parents=not always together, and when they are, they are not really together. dad always having a more world perspective on things. mom always knowing what is going on with everyone else and not so much talking about what's going on with her or the fam.. so here JJ and I go, trying to filter through that and make a marriage of our own, knowing that neither of our families are perfect by any stretch of the means and learning how to love them for just who they are. Interesting and good lesson to be learned in the beginning of the engagement.
so I keep asking him what a wedding is for anyway. what is the purpose, because it seems to cause more conflict than happiness, at least in the planning of it as I have found out in a week. Basically, we know it is to have the people we love there to witness and agree with us that our marriage is a combining of our lives together. and as a christian, that those who love us will help hold us accountable, pray for us and hope for the best out of our being joined together. and that in all of this it will be to the glory of our savior. so far, i've had to ask God several times to forgive me for the way I''m being selfish and self-absorbed about the whole thing and by clearly NOT glorifying the Him in it all. so that's been an interesting and good lesson so far too.
so i was listening to DP talk about marriage, ephesians 5 to be specific. which was cool that that was some of the Bible JJ had for us to read the night he asked me to marry him. some thoughts to remind myself of in the line of marriage--don't be demanding or commanding. who is the commander? do I tell God what to do? Am I critical of him, maybe sometimes out of frustration and anger, but I always humbly come back to Him and remember the love he has so graciously applied to me.
i am dependant on Christ. the hope of Christ, the foundation of Christ. Edifice---a large building or monument---one of the only words I remember learning in 11th grade english. To edify---to build up really big. Scaffolding---a word I learned in college as it associates with speech therapy, means taking a step by stey approach to learning strategies. why would I want to take apart or break down something that has been so carefully put together? I want to better edify Josh. I want to NOT be critical of him, but infuse him with energy, hope and strength to be my leader. He is asking me to be his wife. So in that, he is asking for the responsibility to lead me. I am there to help him and love him and most importantly respect him in all that he does. I have certainly learned by observation the way I don't want to treat my husband, but sometimes observing is not enough, sometimes it comes through learning hard lessons and tearing something down just to know how hard it is to build it back up again. As much as I think I know how to be a good wife, there is so much I don't know. What in the world. How can I be given this huge responsibility to be a wife? I in no way deserve this as it is hard for me to handle my own self at times. But then, just as I think that, I am so softly reminded that in those moments I have to not do it on my own but allow Jesus to help me.
I'm totally excited that I now know what psalm 84 is referring to!! After doing "Stepping Up", by none other that Beth, I now know that that psalm is a psalm of ascent. This is a psalm that the pilgrims who were coming from afar to Jerusalem sang on one of the three (i think) pilgrimages that they were to make a year! How precious it is to think what they are singing about. I mean, they are talking about the actual courts that housed the Holy of Holies, our God. He lived there!! I think I'd be singing praise too. I guess they would rather be a guard at the door of the temple than be with the wicked.
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young---a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almghty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you
once again, sparadic thoughts by leslie
marriage= an abandoning of past lives and a birth of a new life. how fun is that? I believe I've decided that I don't want to be one of those wives that talk about their in-laws. After talking with JJ, we have decided that our parents are very different and we come from a different way of living. For example his parents=always together. always discussing family things whether that be the past, present or future of current family. my parents=not always together, and when they are, they are not really together. dad always having a more world perspective on things. mom always knowing what is going on with everyone else and not so much talking about what's going on with her or the fam.. so here JJ and I go, trying to filter through that and make a marriage of our own, knowing that neither of our families are perfect by any stretch of the means and learning how to love them for just who they are. Interesting and good lesson to be learned in the beginning of the engagement.
so I keep asking him what a wedding is for anyway. what is the purpose, because it seems to cause more conflict than happiness, at least in the planning of it as I have found out in a week. Basically, we know it is to have the people we love there to witness and agree with us that our marriage is a combining of our lives together. and as a christian, that those who love us will help hold us accountable, pray for us and hope for the best out of our being joined together. and that in all of this it will be to the glory of our savior. so far, i've had to ask God several times to forgive me for the way I''m being selfish and self-absorbed about the whole thing and by clearly NOT glorifying the Him in it all. so that's been an interesting and good lesson so far too.
so i was listening to DP talk about marriage, ephesians 5 to be specific. which was cool that that was some of the Bible JJ had for us to read the night he asked me to marry him. some thoughts to remind myself of in the line of marriage--don't be demanding or commanding. who is the commander? do I tell God what to do? Am I critical of him, maybe sometimes out of frustration and anger, but I always humbly come back to Him and remember the love he has so graciously applied to me.
i am dependant on Christ. the hope of Christ, the foundation of Christ. Edifice---a large building or monument---one of the only words I remember learning in 11th grade english. To edify---to build up really big. Scaffolding---a word I learned in college as it associates with speech therapy, means taking a step by stey approach to learning strategies. why would I want to take apart or break down something that has been so carefully put together? I want to better edify Josh. I want to NOT be critical of him, but infuse him with energy, hope and strength to be my leader. He is asking me to be his wife. So in that, he is asking for the responsibility to lead me. I am there to help him and love him and most importantly respect him in all that he does. I have certainly learned by observation the way I don't want to treat my husband, but sometimes observing is not enough, sometimes it comes through learning hard lessons and tearing something down just to know how hard it is to build it back up again. As much as I think I know how to be a good wife, there is so much I don't know. What in the world. How can I be given this huge responsibility to be a wife? I in no way deserve this as it is hard for me to handle my own self at times. But then, just as I think that, I am so softly reminded that in those moments I have to not do it on my own but allow Jesus to help me.
I'm totally excited that I now know what psalm 84 is referring to!! After doing "Stepping Up", by none other that Beth, I now know that that psalm is a psalm of ascent. This is a psalm that the pilgrims who were coming from afar to Jerusalem sang on one of the three (i think) pilgrimages that they were to make a year! How precious it is to think what they are singing about. I mean, they are talking about the actual courts that housed the Holy of Holies, our God. He lived there!! I think I'd be singing praise too. I guess they would rather be a guard at the door of the temple than be with the wicked.
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young---a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almghty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you
once again, sparadic thoughts by leslie
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